A friend and I were chatting recently after he read my first ever article ‘Rebirth’. Whilst the post is about my transformation after a hero’s journey, it got us discussing quarantine, loneliness and social isolation – and their effects on relationships. All this stemmed from a couple of lines in the text: “My relationship is sacrosanct. It is holy to me. Thus, its privacy shall always be respected. This is likely the last you will hear me speak of it, except in passing.”
Despite being a content creator with an online presence, I actively try to keep my private life off the Twitter Timeline. I’m sure I’ve had the occasional lapse – and sometimes will purposefully use an example from my life to illustrate a point – but I do not share what’s going on in my home.
This is because relationships must be private affairs; I don’t even discuss what’s going on between me and my partner with my closest friends. Our relationship is for us alone.
Yet this is lost on many. Get a few drinks down the average woman’s neck and she’s opening up all her partner’s secrets, shaming the person she chose to accompany her in life. Those who do this are never self-aware enough to understand how much of a self-own that is.
And this is not limited to women. Men do it too – although to a lesser extent.
The Tweet above highlights my thoughts about how a couple should behave in public.
This doesn’t mean they must agree on everything – not at all. In private, discussions (which will on occasion descend into arguments) are a necessary tool of communication. However, this must take place away from the eyes of others. As far as anyone else is concerned, you are never divided.
Nuance
Communication is essential to any healthy relationship – and this goes beyond intimate ones. With your family and friends, if you don’t talk and share aspects of your life together the relationship will suffer. The people we are closest to are those with whom we can share our hearts without fear of ridicule.
Again, this doesn’t mean spilling out everything to those around you. You must be considered and nuanced in conversation. But socialisation requires emotionality. If not, you will be left in a state of loneliness and social isolation – despite popularity.
This is particularly the case for men, as they find it harder to open up their hearts – with good reason. It leaves them vulnerable and open to being taken advantage of. Discernment, as ever, is central.
But what’s really interesting me is how weak the communication between many couples is. What has shone a spotlight on this?
Quarantine.
Loss of Freedom
Enforced time spent only with each other is going to put a strain on any relationship, particularly as the freedoms we took for granted are being stripped away. No longer do we have freedom of movement to visit a coffee shop separately; no longer can a meal-out paper over the cracks of an intimacy-free couple.
There is no chance any more to exercise freedom of association; no ability to visit friends and release the tension, or provide a different voice to lubricate a relationship’s difficulties.
This has brought into sharp focus how many are in relationships of convenience.
Forced to confront this reality, couples are realising just how much they suffer from loneliness and social isolation –separate from living alone.
Of course, there are also those who are single and really feeling the burn at this time. Poor choices with regard to past relationships, and the ‘wine-aunt’ delusion that friends are a suitable replacement for a life-partner is no longer passing the test.
Reality is it never did. Hedonism and dopamine derived spikes in emotion masked this innate truth.
As the opportunity for engaging in these behaviours has been removed, the actuality of their lives has set in.
But as mentioned, this is not limited to singletons.
Intimacy in Relationships
For example, many people obsessively share parts of their lives online; parts which should remain private.
Whenever I see this, it signals to me that their real-life relationships are devoid of emotional intimacy. Many of these are single, but many too are not. Both, however, are suffering a form of loneliness and social isolation. Addiction to dopamine fueled notifications from semi-strangers in the online realm is merely a symptom.
This is a societal issue. Lack of intimacy – and I mean real intimacy, not the occasional romp with a stranger – is endemic within our culture.
Too many believe intimacy is just sex. Not even close. Non-sexual physical intimacy, such as hugging, is an essential part of a healthy relationship. So too emotional intimacy: opening up your heart, your fears and desires to your partner, and – crucially – having them listen, understand and offer solutions is a form of communication which many in relationships lack.
Having not gone through the hard work and emotional vulnerability required to reach this stage, quarantine is hammering at the cracks which already existed between many couples.
Parallels
Whilst this situation is somewhat different, there’s a saying amongst hippy-tourist types that travelling together “makes or breaks” a couple. The stress of being in a foreign land, having no home to escape to and removed from support networks tests a couple’s ability to communicate, drop egos and support each other in trying circumstances.
Quarantine is having a similar effect – but with one crucial difference: this quarantine is enforced. It’s not chosen, and doesn’t have the Instagram-able dopamine fixes of exploring exotic locations.
The social reasons for the widespread lack of intimacy are caused by living in an intensely narcissistic time. From an early age, children are told that they are the centre of the universe, that they have to live for themselves and never connect to those around them.
Consequently, many negative ideas have become endemic within our culture. For example, the belief that men who sacrifice sexual freedom for familial stability are weak; that women sacrificing *anything* for a man are internalised misogynists; or if men want physical intimacy apart from sex, they’re effeminate.
As a result, we live in a culture of social atomization: parents dumped in care homes; women focusing on their personal career over family cohesion; personal devices making leisure time spent alone, rather than being shared.
Societal trends have killed communitarian feelings, of which the family and relationships are collateral damage.
Technology and Social Media
Key to this is the rise of technology – particularly social media.
Social media has done more to cause loneliness and social isolation than anything else in modernity. Whilst it’s not the sole cause (the process was already underway) it has accelerated it. The longer social media has existed, the greater proportion of people’s social interactions have occurred online.
Humans are social animals; we crave interaction with others. But unscrupulous companies have hijacked this intrinsic feeling and changed how we achieve it. After all, conversation is more than just words; it’s body language, tone and touch. Communicating online loses this nuance entirely.
In fact, it’s one of the main reasons for misunderstandings on Twitter and the wider online world. Without the context of these intangibles, we sub-optimally infer people’s motives and true meanings behind their words. As a result, paranoia sets in and misinterpretation abounds. Indeed, miscommunication is built into the medium.
It’s an inherently flawed mode of social interaction, one which I believe breeds loneliness and social isolation – yet it is increasing in prominence, particularly amongst the young.
And these problems aren’t limited to lack of body language. Images also have a greater impact on the mind than words, and Instagram in particular forces an unusual system of communication. By virtue of constantly seeing (perfect) images, unrealistic expectations are birthed in users, who can’t help but get lost in comparison. And as is my constant refrain, comparison is the mother of depression.
We can see here the interaction with what was discussed earlier, too. Those who share their private life online are attempting to compete with those they idealise – online influencers.
Human Health
Unsurprisingly, mental health issues are rising amongst the young as a result of this form of interaction. It induces loneliness and social isolation, as highlighted by the correlation between higher use of social media and increased rates of depression and anxiety. Many get addicted to online platforms and never get out to hear a voice, read a set of the shoulders or feel a touch on their arm.
One of my greatest fears about quarantine is that this will become further entrenched.
Separation and Social Change
At the moment, many are forcibly separated from their loved ones, and have no idea how long this will last. We already live in a culture devoid of intimacy, and by divorcing people from their wider family and friends there will be many who suffer emotionally.
Additionally, the societal changes resulting from this situation are only going to worsen the trends described. After all, if tomorrow the Government said we are no-longer are under quarantine, how many would immediately go back to their old life?
Would they instead be fearful and unwilling to put themselves or elderly loved ones in perceived danger?
Will more communication be conducted online as a result? Will Facetime become the new meeting for coffee?
And how much will we lose as a result of this change?
As mentioned in ‘Feminism: Mass Sexual Grooming‘ adoption of technological trends comes down to cultural conditions.
What we are living through has provided the conditions for a transhumanist life; one lived primarily online. The infrastructure necessary for this already exists. It wouldn’t take much more investment to get to the point where most could live entirely alienated from the physical world.
The questions I have is thus: will this be a good thing?
Or will it, by removing social ties, further entrench loneliness and social isolation?
Thanks for reading.
I hope you are all coping well with the quarantine and making the best of a bad situation.
If you want a guide for improving during this time, don’t forget to check out LifeMathMoney’s “Live Intentionally” using my affiliate link. It’s one way you can help support me, whilst improving yourself.
PS I’ve started editing my book today, I’ll keep you posted on updates.
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Solid post and incredibly aesthetic website. I just covered the same topic in my last blog post, too.