‘Steve’ had a problem.
He was masculine. He was strong. Capable. Fit. Charming. Successful. Women threw themselves at him. He thought he could Love Like a Man. But something wasn’t right. As soon as he got serious with a woman, the relationship failed.
He couldn’t understand why.
He had long been a proponent of The Red Pill. He was aware of the female shadow; hypergamy – branch swinging – and the ‘need’ to control his woman to prevent its occurrence. Yet women kept leaving him.
He couldn’t understand why.
He kept reading. He learned to dominate the frame. He tried spinning plates. Women left him.
He couldn’t understand why.
But Steve was a smart man. He spotted a pattern and identified the common denominator…
…himself.
So, he reached out to me and we took some time to talk.
It quickly became clear he had limiting beliefs about women and relationships which were holding back his success in them. Sure, he had the ‘basics’ down. Women were attracted to him. He could bed them. He could even enter a relationship with them. But during the relationship? Everything would fall apart.
Reprogramming how he approached relationships and women took time. But through our talks, his trajectory changed. He learned to Love Like a Man, and his problems resolved.
Honesty
Whilst his story is an extreme example, it is not isolated. Many of my clients are in this boat; run aground on an ideological sandbar.
Others simply resonate with many truths contained within The Red Pill, but are aware of the discord. Something inside them gnaws at them, telling them The Red Pill isn’t a cohesive relationship strategy.
And they’re right. For all the truths, all the brutal honesty contained within The Red Pill, hard adherence leaves men incapable of forming loving bonds with women. It teaches gender truths, but lacks the wisdom men need to Love Like a Man.
For that is what he needs to do. He needs to know sexual truths. Adapt to them. But he must be capable of Loving Like a Man.
However, before we go any further, we must frame this essay. Maybe you’re wondering, what is The Red Pill? What does it mean?
Let me explain.
Agreement
The Red Pill is a belief system which teaches that the narrative around sex in our society is twisted. It argues that cultural norms, political ideologies and Feminist dogma have created a poisonous environment for men, and that relationships and culture are struggling as a result.
You’re probably thinking “I can’t disagree there.”
Neither can I.
The Red Pill argues that men and women have biologically determined roots behind their behaviour. That both need to lean into these: that men need to be strong leaders; that women must be nurturing lovers.
Again… nothing I can disagree with.
The Red Pill talks of the dangers of single-parent families, the fallout occurring from rampant degeneracy and how divorce laws disproportionately hurt men.
I’m in agreement on every count.
(If you want a full understanding of what The Red Pill is, I’d recommend reading this document).
However, despite my support of 90% of The Red Pill, the 10% they get wrong is vitally flawed. It leads to outcomes like Steve’s: men damaged and unable to form loving bonds with women; unable to create the family – the legacy – they crave.
And most of these problems emerge with how The Red Pill is framed – and the solutions provided – to the very real problems they identify. So what is this framing? Well, the lens through which The Red Pill views the world is both bitter and divisive. Through the tone their argument takes, it pits men against women in a zero-sum power battle.
Now, there are power dynamics which take place within relationships and between the sexes. Frame is a manifestation of this. Being able to control the frame is – in one sense – a power battle. However, frame control is only one aspect a man must master for a successful relationship. And even then, seeing it purely in this light is one-dimensional. Truth is, there are many critical parts of relationships which can be viewed through the lens of power. But when they are, these issues get twisted and become actively harmful. I previously mentioned that the framing of The Red Pill is bitter. Why is this important? Because it is this bitterness which causes the focus on power dynamics.
Bitter Roots Yield Bitter Fruits
I posit that many of The Red Pill zealots have been hurt by women and – rather than forgiving and healing their trauma – have internalized being on the wrong end of a power battle, and projected the hurt they’ve suffered on to all women. Obviously, I cannot speak to their individual experiences, but I certainly sense a ‘lashing out’ which mirrors Feminism. Indeed, if you have suffered at the hands of the divorce courts, or were dysfunctionally raised by a single mother, it is easy to feel this. They are real problems which do hurt men. But just because it is easy to be bitter doesn’t make it right.
Now, I don’t want to get into armchair psychoanalysis. That isn’t my purpose. But I do think it’s worthwhile to draw attention to the bitter framing, if not the causes why. So let’s end that. Instead, let’s focus on the negative outcomes of a bitter frame.
This bitter frame causes the divisiveness previously mentioned. This divisiveness prevents men and women coming together and forming relationships which last. Instead of promoting an integrated masculinity which supports relationships and marriage (more on this later…) The Red Pill pits men and women against each other and harms the chances of successful, loving relationships. Why is this so critical? It is so critical because it is only through men and women coming together to can culture be healed, and the issues they rightly call attention to be fixed.
I say this because culture is made up of families. Families are the building blocks of society. It is within these that primary socialization takes place; where norms, mores and values are transmitted, and is one of the few spaces left where governments and corporations do not exert power over cultural transmission. Of course, this is something The Red Pill addresses. They implicitly understand the importance of family when discussing the cultural dangers of rampant single parent motherhood. But what they miss is that the solutions they provide further entrench these problems. It is only by men becoming strong, wise and being able to Love Like a Man will our culture get the chance to heal.
This is particularly important due to the changes in divorce law. These changes mean ‘sub-standard’ husbands – who aren’t abusive or engage in infidelity (legitimate causes for divorce) – can no longer coast by in a relationship. Whether this is good or bad is a question I shall dodge here, instead focussing on the outcomes. So, we know it is easier than ever before for women to leave men. As a result, we know that a husband must be more capable of bringing his woman along with him than ever before. We also know that families – and therefore committed relationships – are essential to establishing a masculine culture. If we consider all this true, then shouldn’t we be doing everything in our power to become the kind of men who women love, respect and adore?
And this is impossible to do through a bitter and divisive frame which pits the sexes against each other.
The only way to fix the single parent problem, reduce promiscuity and recreate the Patriarchal, paternalistic society which is advantageous to both men and women is to develop this kind of protective, beneficent masculinity. Critically, it means Loving Like a Man; knowing true masculinity, and embracing a woman in its strong, capable and wise warmth.
But instead of this, what does Red Pill thinking promote? It promotes the belief that men – due to the hypergamous nature of women – must ‘spin plates’. It encourages men to believe that a woman is just waiting to meet a higher status man and leave him. It supports men seeing all women as the same. No nuance, but hurtful rhetoric.
Whilst my focus is to draw attention to the wider issues arising from this belief, and the damage to relationships The Red Pill causes, I wish to quickly pick apart a few of these dogmas.
Tree-Tops
First, let’s talk about hypergamy. Hypergamy is the belief that women date upwardly. The theory argues that women are unsatisfied when they date a lower status man, and will not do so out of choice. As with most of The Red Pill, I agree with this. Where it goes wrong is the idea that women will therefore leave the man they are with as soon as a better prospect comes along.
This is utterly fallacious.
This idea of ‘branch swinging’ simply doesn’t mesh with female biology. Women are looking for stability in a man to help her raise children. Leaving him every chance she gets would be foolishness, and in pre-industrial society would be actively dangerous to her children. Why? Because it highly increases the chance of infanticide. I don’t want to get too off in the weeds, but my book “Weaponized Sex” addresses this. If you want to learn more about the biologically determined roots of sexual dynamics, I’d suggest giving that a read.
What I want to focus on is the paranoia ‘branch-swinging’ causes within Red Pill adherents. This paranoia is unfounded because there are only two reasons a woman would leave a man she’s with because of his status:
1) If the man wasn’t high-status in the first place, and was simply a ‘placeholder’ for a better man; a legitimate concern, but one which doesn’t affect high-value men. Solution? Be the kind of man she wants to be with.
2) If the man was high status, but lowered his own status in her eyes.
Let’s focus on number two.
There are many ways a man can lower his status in his wife’s eyes. No longer being in shape can affect it, for example. But by far the biggest cause is when a woman no longer believes her husband considers her important. This makes her feel unstable within their relationship. Not only this, if he does not seem caring and wise, she will rank him as a poor candidate to be a father – causing her to reassess him. After all, if he cannot show he cares to her, what might he do to her children?
This is critical for relationship success, and every man must be able to demonstrate this in order to have a loving, lasting and committed relationship. Indeed, during my coaching this is a major focus with many of my clients. It is perhaps the most misunderstood aspect of relationships, and is the major cause behind most relationship failures – particularly amongst masculine men. When you have the masculinity side of the equation down, this will be what causes relationship failure.
(Just to clarify, this is different from the average man today. The most common demise of their relationships is a lack of strength and masculinity).
As with most things, success requires a subtle balancing act – not the caricatured dogma so often presented.
Critical to all this is men’s role as leaders. Men lead the home and their wives – as understood by The Red Pill. Yet what they forget is that leadership is service. This is why true masculinity is ultimately sacrificial in nature.
Love Like a Man; Love Like a Leader
To illustrate this, I want to use the example of political leadership. A true ruler of a country knows what his subjects need, and provides it for them. As their leader, he takes the decisions leading to an improvement in their life circumstances. But the only way he can take the right decision is by understanding and listening to their desires. Then, using his own knowledge of the economic landscape, political tensions and worldly wisdom, he guides them into a better future. And all the time he must bring the populace along with him. Without their approval and trust (built over time through demonstration of his success) he will ultimately fail. This is what a real ruler does, and what a real husband should do, too.
Of course, in the West this concept is lost on our political elite. They understand the approval aspect, and have weaponized propaganda to achieve this end, but this isn’t an effective long-term strategy. Without the end-product of life getting better discontent builds, as we witness today.
Indeed, I find it somewhat interesting that the same problems which plague Western political society are evident within the household. Perhaps the Feminists were right, and the private is political? Or at least they have been successful in manifesting this. Anyway, I digress.
So, how do we get out of this? How do we change the trajectory of our culture, and men’s attitudes towards the family?
What’s Missing?
Well, the simple fact is there is a ‘missing piece’ between The Red Pill and Real Relationships. The foundation of the Red Pill is sound; it just needs the right model and a few tweaks to turn it away from a bitter, self-serving ideology into a positive, family building one.
And this is what I achieve with my coaching. I show men the attitudes, behaviours and actions they are missing in order to blend their masculinity with loving their woman. In essence, I teach them to Love Like a Man. Not the cultural poison provided by TV and films, but true masculine love. Caring, wise and strong; the role we all understand through fatherhood.
I show them how to balance the productive demands of being a man, with the care of a husband and father. I teach them when to show affection, how to rebuke a woman with love and the steps necessary to guide her – and their future children – into the future. I train them in how to actively listen, how to soothe her emotionally and be the rock amidst a woman’s periodic storms.
In doing so, my clients learn to Love Like a Man; form a strong relationship; get married and pass on the values necessary to rebuild Western culture.
Purpose is often discussed in these parts in loose, abstract terms.
“You must have a purpose.”
“Find your purpose.”
“Life satisfaction flows from purpose.”
Rarely do you hear what that purpose looks like.
Well, now you’ve seen mine.
And if you want to meet a quality woman, Love Like a Man, get married, have a family and retake Western culture? Then our purpose is aligned.
Apply to work with me using this link today.
PS. Want to find out more about being a man? Check out this article.